I’ve been reading up on things that publishers look for when you’re trying to sell your book ideas to them. One of the things that several authors with blogs have mentioned is that publishing companies look to see what kind of a market you already have built into your persona- like how many blog followers you have and how many twitter followers you have might indicate what size of ready-made audience you come with. Of course to me that sounds like their marketing department’s job. I want to whine, “whaaaat? Now I have to Tweet too?” I have deliberately avoided Twitter because it’s so Nerdy! Here’s 5 reasons why I think Tweeting is for geeks:
1. The name– If “Twitter” isn’t the sissiest word I’ve ever heard I don’t know what is.
2. The lack of photos (originally.) I know that Instigram has fixed that complaint, but back in the day… like way back in 2011… when I was thinking about doing Twitter AND Facebook, FB won my loyalties with pictures.
3. Constant chatter– I already have a super talkative child that follows me around all day saying, “Hey Mom, hey Mom…” One of these days I’m going to keep a running count of how many times she says Mom in one day. Yesterday my husband took notice and commented, “That’s even annoying ME!” and that coming from the man who rarely hears his own name of Daddy when it’s called . On Facebook, when someone posts too many status updates in a day- I hide them. Far too chatty for me.
4. Follow Me– I don’t know who coined this phrase, but it sounds a lot like what Jesus said to his fisherman-disciples. So when I read someone’s invitation to “Follow Me” at such-and-such a name, I cringe. I wish there was a “No thanks” button, or a “I don’t like you so much in person, so why would I want to hang around you in cyberspace” button, or a “you’re so full of yourself, so why would I care what you are thinking every second of the day?” button. Maybe if Jesus had a Twitter account I’d follow him, just because I already do in real life, but maybe not. It just sounds like we’re all making our own little discipleship cells. (I know, there’s a follow button on my blog too, but I can’t help that. Besides, not many of you have clicked it so I assume you understand what a huge commitment that button represents.)
5. Clutter on you Facebook wall– I have long since quit reading Facebook status updates posted from Twitter because I hate trying to decipher all the symbols mixed with the letters. It feels like Algebra to me… and I hated Algebra. I’m on Facebook to be entertained, so if I have to work too hard… I just don’t. #I’mlazysosueme.
So for those pathetic reasons, I don’t tweet. I’ve got enough social media in my life for now… at least enough to prove to my mother that I haven’t died overseas yet. (She gets a little worried if I don’t show up on Facebook everyday.) I really can’t think of any way that Twitter could entice me to come to the dark side. Maybe if they changed their name to something smart like “SmackTalk” or “TimeKiller” that might be a move in the right direction. But for now, I abstain and heckle the nerds over there on the sissy social networking site. “You’re on the Jersey side!”
Update: This is a youtube video of comedian Louis C.K. talking to Conan about this exact same thing. Warning- One S*** word.