Americans usually speak directly. They tell you what they are thinking. Particularly Minnesotans value honest communication of facts. But in Costa Rica, speaking indirectly is the norm. One of the highest social values here is not offending. It can become a labrynth of side stepping and hedging just to communicate and get things done here. But getting things done is not the priority. Keeping the peace is more important. To do this, Costa Ricans often use a third party to ask for favors or to make inquiries.
For example, when we were in language school we convinced our conversation teacher to let us have a field trip to a local coffee shop where we would have breakfast together and practice our Spanish conversation skills. It’s true, we just wanted to get out of the classroom. The teacher liked our idea, but she asked that WE ask the director for permission. We thought this was odd, since SHE was the teacher and HE was her boss. We considered it her responsibility to go through the proper channels to get permission, but she considered this the proper way of asking for favors- sending a third party.
This happened again a few months later. We had hired a maid for the first few months that we lived here (I didn’t know how to clean a house with tile floors throughout or to get my laundry to dry in this rainy climate.) After we moved to another house, we didn’t continue using the maid, however another new family hired her. One day I ran into Suyen (our former maid) and she asked me to speak with her new employer for her. She said, “I don’t think Mrs. Anderson understood me. I asked if I could change my work hours and she said No. Could you ask her if she understood me?” Suyen was asking me to ADVOCATE for her, not translate for her. When I spoke with Mrs. Anderson, she said she understood Suyen perfectly and had said No to her request. She wondered out loud why Suyen would ask me to speak to her. Then I put two and two together and realized that I had been used as a third party. Suyen had wanted my leverage of the power of connection with the other American AND she had wanted my protection from receiving a direct No again.
It was hard for me not to feel used in both of these instances. However, I have since then learned to use this system of communication for my own benefit rather than always feeling like a tool that my friends use for favors. Now I can skillfully navigate tricky conversations to avoid conflicts too. For example, when I have a sensitive question to ask someone, I find another person who is willing to speak to the person for me. Especially someone OFFERS to go talk to the person for me- I accept the offer. In America we would say, “No, I can do my own dirty work.” But here my thought is, “I don’t want to offend or embarrass this person, so maybe it’s better to let someone else do it. They might know how to do it more gently and more appropriately.”
Because the Costa Rican way is to avoid direct confrontation and avoid embarrassing people, it can feel like walking on egg shells all the time. I breathe a sigh of relief when I manage to escape a potentially confrontational situation. I don’t particularly LIKE this way of communication, but I’m learning how to use it, how to adapt to it, and how to recognize it. It’s part of cultural adaptation and it’s what missionaries do. We try to be all things to all people and if that means walking on eggshells and speaking indirectly- then that’s what I do.